Patiently Active

Patiently Active

Sometimes the tears come
when I don’t want them
but they wash over me
spilling from red-rimmed eyes
nearly swollen shut from heartache
that somehow found its way
from my belly to my mouth
with my sobs and salty tears

I said I didn’t want to cry
unless it was productive

I promised the Lord I would give Him my heart
I know He wants me to marry
but I’ve been convinced that my fate
is to continue my heartache and crying
so I choose to avoid close relationships
and alone find relative peace—
rather than accept the inevitable pain
with its fairy-tale promise of joy

Thus I’ve been deceived
wrapped in my tight cocoon
avoiding all that I fear
But as any cocoon will someday realize
that into a butterfly it will metamorphize
so too will I branch out into the sky
and to fly I must stretch my wings

I don’t know if my tears built my cocoon
or if now they are melting it down
while patiently active I’m learning to be
even happy in this in-between state

8.21.09