Patiently Active

Patiently Active

Sometimes the tears come
when I don’t want them
but they wash over me
spilling from red-rimmed eyes
nearly swollen shut from heartache
that somehow found its way
from my belly to my mouth
with my sobs and salty tears

I said I didn’t want to cry
unless it was productive

I promised the Lord I would give Him my heart
I know He wants me to marry
but I’ve been convinced that my fate
is to continue my heartache and crying
so I choose to avoid close relationships
and alone find relative peace—
rather than accept the inevitable pain
with its fairy-tale promise of joy

Thus I’ve been deceived
wrapped in my tight cocoon
avoiding all that I fear
But as any cocoon will someday realize
that into a butterfly it will metamorphize
so too will I branch out into the sky
and to fly I must stretch my wings

I don’t know if my tears built my cocoon
or if now they are melting it down
while patiently active I’m learning to be
even happy in this in-between state

8.21.09

“Spiders Don’t Need Ladders”

(a.k.a. “That’s All I Got, and All I Got Is Good,” “Intuition on High” and “Inner Guide”

This poem came from my Dreamwork class at IPSB, in which I incorporated the titles my classmates gave me upon hearing my dream Aug. 5: “Always Preparing,” “History Repeating Itself,” “Dusting off My Intuition,” and “It’s Okay, Mom”)

Mom’s worried for me,
always preparing
and doing her best
to give me everything

“It’s okay, Mom,” I comfort her
easing her mind
She’s given me much
and been very kind

As great as she is,
Mom can’t do all
The cobwebs are mine
They make me stand tall

When I cannot reach them,
a ladder I climb
to the places concealed
from the sun’s shine

Intuition sits there
high on the shelf
Some dust it has gathered,
covering its wealth

Eagerly I brush
the cobwebs aside
discovering riches
in my inner guide

How the cobwebs arrived
I really don’t know
History repeats itself
when all’s status quo

For a time forgotten?
Or purposely lost?
Whatever the reason,
hiding’s not worth the cost
My wisdom tells me now
how obvious that it is—
Spiders don’t need ladders
But they can use them if they wish

August 7, 2009