Today My Journal Entry Is a Poem—
Under Shade

Numb
Non-tingling sneeze
Pressed under blanket-like pile
Coming up my throat
needs a break-through
Breathe

Contentious
Shaky legs
Wobbling
Sickly churning stomach
And eyebrows woven together
With a stamp between my eyes
Breathe

Anxious
Constricted belly
Mouth open
Forced yawn
Chest lifted
Gasping, sucking in air
Quiet urgency that I can maintain but
I can’t breathe

Resistance
Got a massage
Felt wonderful on the table
Soon as I got off,
couldn’t tell a difference
I’m a piece of work
and my work
is to do this for others
Breathe

Shame
Public and private selves
aren’t really talking
No one keeps track
but I know
Almost every bite
I feel I shouldn’t
Like my body in massage,
my mouth is happy
only while I’m feeding it
but my stomach is full
This is the gross blanket
I pile on myself
Breathe

Unworthy
He’s beautiful
and just taught English
in Thailand for a year
Loves to laugh and exercise
and wants me to be myself
(We’ve never met)
He represents what I want
and feel so far removed from
Breathe

God and Me
Having good intentions
Doing the right things
Going through the motions
What do You think of me?
“Bringing in the nutrients”
but “assimilation” is poor
I’m not getting much out of this
Breathe

9.1.10